BLOG 5 Jul 2014
My SHO appointment. My Thoughts!
On Thu 26 Jun 14 I had an appointment with the SHO Psychiatrist Dr. Sam Beeson. This is how I felt…
The nagging nibble of anxiety has been devouring for a week. I know that the SHO appointment is today. I compiled my thoughts… and this time I would insist she read it. I have not seen Dr. Sam before. Gil my cpn (psychiatric nurse) had told me that Dr. Sam was lovely. However based on previous doctors I really didn’t hold out too much hope! I could not have been more wrong.
I made a note of things I wanted to discuss… with my own idea of how to tackle these concerns.
Wendy’s will. === call Christine, Social Worker
To see Gil === weekly – to stay on top of self-improvement work. Being concerned that I would not see her until July 15, which would be 5 weeks!!!
How my small obsessions – block out life… Cross such, mathdoku, and now sewing!!! In front of TV. Which Gil called me on at out last visit
Whether to switch to Seroquel XL (to have slow release over 24 hours) === good discussion but we decided that since I am basically happy with it, to add the anti depressant. Low dose Anti depressant. She likes Sertraline 50g. 2\3 wks … And then we can see the difference it makes.
That morning it was 0322. Despite being in bed for an hour and half my brain is buzzing so I may as well try and get some out
… Knowing that I have to go to the doc has been winding me up for the past week.
… To the point of borderline anxiety attack the past 36 hours
… Hence the uncomfortableness at times during the day
… So knowing that things are not all that they can be….
… No routine
…knowing that I am just letting myself down
…Hating myself, altho that is a harsh word
…Thinking that this is it… But knowing that it shouldn’t be
…Feeling like it is just too much effort
… And this is just not good enough
… Not liking myself
*** Loving Laura for telling me that I am depriving the world of me…. (Two weeks ago!!! Which is how time has flied… I totes missed seven days.
– that I am special, I have a lot to offer. I care, I have wisdom, funny. I’m fabulous coz I called her immediately!
(This was a day when I drank leaded coffee smoked and lost my appetite. Spent day in front of computer and got lost in the Castle!!)
…Feeling sad when I think about it that I am not enjoying life….
…Or getting pleasure out of life \stuff
…Now I am starting to be bored with my dull days.
… So realizing that I still have the same issues that I was working on 15 years ago…. (Actually clearing out papers!)
turn over a new leaf!!! Again!!!
It’s ‘nice’ to hear the birds cheeping. It’s 0338. My intestines are gurgling…. Hmmm chocolate cake!!!
… Actually I frequently wonder why I do this to myself… … Why I have to be this way…
…Well does it have to be this way?
…How hard must I struggle to maintain happy contentment, self satisfaction????
God, Higher Power whomever you are wtf is going on???
… took a little break… but my brain was restive!
0348 shouldn’t I have it down pat, together by know? I mean knowing and doing are two different things.
… (After all I have been in therapy on and off since 1986.)
… Which is where the daily routine and goals comes in
… Daily affirmations and the subliminal stuff
… Shoot I have got all these resources I can well need to use them!
Check out the pressure/trigger words! I have used in this little monolog.
The things that I know I can work on (into) my days are:-
Knowing bad foods
Make my space happy
Dr Sam had me complete a couple of mental status questionnaires. Also it is interesting to learn that the two local health care services have merged. They will now be keeping track of individual patients and their Mental Health status.
PHQ9. Form says moderately depressed.
GAD7 says mild depressed.
I had only just introduced myself and then gave her my update. She said “Oh I like you!”
Then when it was time to leave – I said “doesn’t dealing with troubled people make you depressed?” She laughed… I gave her a hug goodbye!!!
I was really surprised when she offered me an appointment in 10 days to check-up on me! I left feeling so relived and much more contented with life overall.
My next blog will be about how the past week or so has gone. Since starting the Sertraline… and how I worry and monitor my mood level viz a viz going into a Manic Episode … as you know this can be triggered when and anti-depressant is added to your regimen.